Trying to Forget
by youkokurara
Summary: She kept trying to be strong, trying to be the best she could be. Trying to show Kenshin that she was just as strong as he was, and where did all of that leave her? It led to her that situation, to this hold, and these tears. Kaoru couldn't take it.
1. Trying to Forget

Trying to Forget

By youkokurara

  
~*~*~*~*~*  
It was hard to explain the feeling that was spreading through her body. It made her feel warm and light headed, to the point of feeling dizzy, but it also made her feel insecure and scared. What was going to happen now? This new feeling she had would change everything between them, everything she had worked so hard to build up!  


Taking risk to glance at the sleeping man next to her, pain filled her heart. She did such a dishonorable thing with a man she wasn't married to! But, she was in love, and he didn't return the feeling. Slowly, she tried to sit up, but pain filled her lower stomach, was it because of what they did? It didn't seem a fitting punishment for what happened between them. Why, what if she was to get pregnant?  


There was no time for thinking such thoughts as her eyes searched the dark room for her discarded robe, but only found darkness. What if someone was to find them like this? One of their friends? Oh, no, she had to get out of his room and into the safety of herself, act as if nothing happened. Everything would be better after that, only they would know, and he would never tell another soul of the deeds they had done… He wouldn't tell, would he?  


Sure, he was drinking-something he never did-and wasn't exactly in his right mind that evening. If she acted like nothing had happened, would he pass it all off as a dream? It would only work, though, if she was able to leave the room, and that meant she needed to find to sleeping robe. There was no way she was leaving the room naked!  


Her eyes spotted a robe not far from where she was, but she would still have to get up and get it. Moving slowly, trying her best not to disturb the other's sleep, she tried to get out of the bed. Arms reached out from behind, grasping her tightly and pulling her body close to his own-he had caught her, amethyst eyes looking at her in a dull way.  


"And where do you think you are going?" He whispered in her ear, his breath warm against her skin, a shiver going quickly down her spine.  


"To the bathroom?"  


"Oh, okay." His arms dropped he rolled back to his side of the bed, hopefully once more asleep. Giving a sigh, she struggled to stand, her body just hurt! Moving slowly, she grabbed the robe and quickly put it on after feeling the cold winter night air on her skin.   


Walking just as slow, she left the room, heading for her own bedroom while trying to stay calm. What if he wasn't asleep? What if he really expected her to come back? Scolding herself quickly, she reasoned that he didn't expect her to come back to his warm arms. This was her home, and she had the right to sleep anywhere she wanted. And right at that moment, his arms was the one place she wanted to go, but she had gotten too far by now to return to his embrace.  


Slipping into her room, she looked at her laid out bed; the blankets where cold as she got in, it calmed her down somewhat. Stopped the spread of the warm feeling that went through out her body. Silently, she wished once more that she had a womanly figure to ask questions to for all the many things that where happening to herself at the moment. At the very moment, she was willing to speak to the annoying kitsune-doctor, though, she wasn't sure how much help that would've been. Maybe a few laughs and that insulting nickname as Megumi talked about the birds and the bees and enjoying every single little blush the tanuki would give.  


"Stop it, Kaoru, you're just getting yourself even more nervous!" Kaoru whispered to herself, curling into a tight ball, trying to hide under the safe covers and find the safe haven sleep always brought. Hopefully, sleep would bring a dream or to that would make her forget everything that had happened during the night, including her love for him.  


As for her object of affection, he knew she wasn't coming back, and went about finding the other discarded robe and went in search of her. Now, his state of mind had him go to the bathroom first-for his own reasons-and after finding Kaoru not there, went to her room next. Finding her sleeping in a ball under her blankets, looking so darling made him smile. She was a bundle of emotions, happy one moment, angry the next. Just one of the many things that made Kaoru herself, and ever so attracted himself to her. Though, he never did tell her, unsure of his own emotions as he was her own.  


Ironic, wasn't it? Neither of them really figured out their true feelings for the other until the aftermath of their little activity.  


Thinking for a moment, he finally decided on the best place for himself, and went about moving his Kaoru over just a bit for himself. Sure, it wasn't as warm as his own bed-that was mostly from body heat, he got his mind of the matter, wrapped his arms securely around Kaoru's waist and spooned her against his own body, listening to her breath as it caught ever so slightly at her movement and his actions.  


"You didn't come back," He said, brushing his cheek against her hair. "So I came to look for you." 

There was a moment of silence; Kaoru didn't know what to say. He came looking for her! This wasn't exactly part of her plan, well, neither where the words that followed but in the end she had the same conclusion-he was drunk and didn't know what he was doing or saying.   


"Promise me you won't leave me. I wouldn't make it if you were taken from me again, willing or not." His breath evened out to that of sleep, Kaoru soon following, though one thought did haunt her for quite some time, despite her conclusion and reason; why would it kill him if she left?  
  
~*~*~*~*~*  


Disclaimer: I really hate these things, so, hopefully by now people realize who really does own Rurouni Kenshin and it sure isn't me.

  
Well, this is the first part, and, although I'm not very proud of it myself, I hope you enjoyed it. Thank you, MoMo-ChAn for proofreading this for me! And please remember to review, it would mean a lot if you did! 


	2. Making you Remember

Trying to Forget 

By youkokurara 

~*~*~*~*~* 

Chapter 2: Making You Remember 

~*~*~*~*~*  
He woke up feeling warm, too warm for the winter season that it was, but it was nice, and for once, he didn't feel haunted by the ghosts of the past. It was a wonderful feeling. One he didn't want to wake up from, but no matter how he tried, he couldn't go back to sleep, so he kept his eyes closed tightly so he wouldn't have to face the harsh reality that it was all a dream. 

Too bad, though, as it seemed that Nature was against him. Wondering what he drank last night, Kenshin opened his eyes and closed them just as quick as the bright light of morning hurt his senses. Yes, what exactly did he drink last night? And why was he holding a sleeping Kaoru in his arms? His eyes shot open and he looked to see the young kendo instructor sleeping peacefully on her side, her head resting on one of his arms. 

His free hand reached out and gently brushed her smooth cheek, relishing in the feeling of her sweet soft skin. Memories of the night came back to him, the feeling of her body against his own, the sweet feeling of being with her-the satisfaction of being the first to have her like that, the first and the only. But there was a flaw; he never told her his feelings, for all he knew, she thought he did it all because he was drunk and horny. 

Kenshin's hand paused mid stroke at the thought. He didn't want her to believe something like that! Kaoru was special to him, a goddess he wanted to keep safe and treasure forever. He loved her and wanted to claim her as his own. And he did so, only that he had been drunk and just forgot to tell her the reason why he did it all. In the back of his mind, Kenshin swore he heard Hiko's voice calling him an idiot. 

The need to stay at her side until she woke rose deep within his chest but so did the need to pee, and Kenshin decided that he would be back in time to see her wake up and then he would tell her. Getting out from underneath the blankets, Kenshin made his way quickly yet quietly to the bathroom. 

Kaoru, meanwhile, was awake; she had woken up not long after Kenshin had started to brush her skin with his warm hand. It had been a comforting feeling, one she had wanted to continue, but he had left the room in a hurry and she took the time alone to think. Her memories of the night before came back quickly, and she knew to continue with her resolve; but what about when he was touching her cheek? Did that mean something? Would he even return? 

Questions and doubt filled her mind and Kaoru sat up, wincing at the aching of her muscles before she stood up. Yahiko would be over for breakfast soon, and she should be getting dressed before he appeared. 

Getting up, she felt pain spread through her body and stood still for a moment, trying to calm her breathing before slipping into her sleeping robe. Leaving her room, she went to the bathroom, intent on taking a bath-cold or warm-to get her skin feeling clean, for she felt dirty and it wasn't like she was covered in dirt or sweat. A different kind of dirty, one she couldn't put into words to describe. 

Reaching to open the door of the bath, who else would appear but Kenshin, looking a bit lost before his eyes landed on her, those orbs brightened as he said his good morning with an extra shining smile. It hurt to look at him, wondering if he remembered anything at all. 

He walked quickly to her and swept Kaoru into a tight hug. Her body froze as his lips captured her own in a light kiss. Kaoru hissed to herself that she shouldn't like the kiss-even though she did-because it was wrong, all of this was wrong. Even though she loved him, he had no right to take her in such a way. None what so ever! 

When Kenshin released her, Kaoru tried to keep her cool but couldn't keep everything; she did have a temper after all (not that she was ashamed of it). "What was that for?" she demanded, looking Kenshin in the eye as the lost look once more took over his face. For his sake, he kept quiet and looked at her, trying to understand her meaning the best he could when it dawned on him what she meant. 

"The kiss, Kaoru?" 

Her breath hitched in her throat-he didn't call her "dono." The suffix he normally used was gone, he called her just by her name! 

No, no, she thought. You have to be strong! You can't let Kenshin get to you like this! Gathering her wits, Kaoru replied, "Yes Kenshin, the kiss." 

He blinked; now he was confused. She looked like nothing had happened the night before, but he did feel that there was something going through her mind; it reflected clearly in her blue eyes. Yes, she knew something though she wasn't saying anything. 

"Don't you remember last night?" Kenshin said slowly, thinking his words through as he did so. Something flashed through her eyes, he noted, but what it was he couldn't tell as for once, she was guarding her feelings by placing something in front of her emotions. Now, he could easily read people, but he couldn't easily read Kaoru when she did something like this, which wasn't often, making it rather hard for Kenshin to look through. 

"Something happened last night? All I remember was you getting drunk-which should be giving you a nasty headache considering how much you drank. Maybe your just not feeling well," Kaoru said off handily, shrugging as she did so, reaching for the door of the bath once more but Kenshin's hand grabbed her own in a tight grip. Silently, she had congratulated herself on how she handled her words, so distant and nonchalantly, that was until he took hold of her hand in a way that it actually hurt. 

"Listen Kaoru," he started, stressing her name once more. "I know what happened last night-and so do you. And I'm going to make you remember." 

He released her and walked off, his eyes looking at hers while an eerie light blue. He usually looked like that when was facing off with an opponent; did that mean she was his opponent? A shiver went through her body at the thought; no, she would rather not be against him, but if that were to happen then so be it. 

What happened last night should not be remembered. They weren't married and if any word of it got out, well, her whole family name would be tarnished by her actions! No, she would not let her family end like that. She had too much pride for something like that to make everything fall apart. 

Kaoru would come out of this still alive and kicking, she would keep her dojo intact even if it meant she died in the process. But some voice in her head told her that Kenshin wouldn't let that happen to her and she just brushed the voice and feeling it brought away before it sank in. 

~*~*~*~*~* 

I really hate not updating as often as some people would like, and I am really sorry for that, but inspiration doesn't come all that often. Again, I am REALLY sorry for such a slow update as this has been (I don't even know the date of when I posted the first chapter). And this chapter is about 1,235 words long, so I hope it counts for something. Anyway, thank you MoMo-ChAn for proofreading this for me. 

And our lovely review answers, I like these actually, even though I'm not to found of writing the author notes! 

Carrie the Open Minded: Personally, if I hadn't deleted the "review alert" emails I get I wouldn't have remembered to e-mail you, but I am glad you like the story and wish to know when it is updated. And I hope this chapter is also to your liking. 

Alea Seikou: I am glad my story affected you so and that you enjoyed reading it. As for the phasing movement, I did that unconsciously, and I doubt greatly that it will happen again (and if it did, I didn't know it was happening). 

chibiBattousai: The self debating had to go somewhere, and it seems Kaoru is standing firm to her resolve. And I'm sorry you had to wait so long for the next chapter.

LivEviL: Rereading your review makes my cringe, the "getting around to updating part" in any case-and, once more I am really sorry for such the slow progress. I am really glad you like my story and left me a review, and it wasn't meant to be a one-shot, I really meant to update but I had no inspiration at all for anything I've been writing. 

Thank you very much for reviewing and I hope you enjoyed this chapter as much as you did the first!


	3. One Step at a time

Trying to forget  
  
by youkokurara

Disclaimers, disclaimers. Oh how I hate the.

Chapter 3: One step at a time

* * *

Kenshin watched Kaoru carefully from his point at the wash bin, making sure to watch every move she made. Of course he had to think about his plan, if he could even call it that. The question was, exactly how was he going to get her to remember?  
  
He shook his head clear of that thought. Sure, he had jumped headfirst into something he should've been thinking about and planning for. But she was important to him, now more then ever. What if she got pregnant? Once more he brushed the thought aside, there was no reason to believe something like that this early after their night together. He had to stick to the plan and get her to remember.  
  
That only led him back to his first roadblock in the problem: how was he going to get her to remember?  
  
Last night had not been just a one-night stand; he was not that kind of person. He didn't just go on and sleep with someone for the heck of it; instead, he had to care for her. And he loved Kaoru, though he was too drunk to tell her the other night. He cursed his stupidity for that mistake. If he had told her that he loved her, they wouldn't be in this mess.  
  
"It's no wonder she calls you a idiot," Kenshin muttered and he wrung out another piece of cloth. It was all clean, in fact, everything was. There was no more laundry to be done. The red head gave a sigh as he hung up the last piece of clothing on the line. There wouldn't be anymore to do until they were all dry and ready to be folded and put away.  
  
It was too early for lunch, and from the way breakfast went, he didn't know if Kaoru would want to eat lunch anymore. He remembered smiling at her as he laid the breakfast dishes out on the table to eat, and trying to get her attention but she was rather cold, distant. Now that he thought about it, maybe that would be his way. He would have to break that cold exterior she had created to make it seem like she didn't remember.  
  
Yes! That was exactly what he had to do, but how was he going to do it?  
  
"Oro, exactly where I started," he muttered aloud. This was getting him nowhere even if he did have a small part of his plan planned out.  
  
"Kenshin..." Her voice was soft but he caught his name as she spoke it. "Can you please heat the bath for me?"  
  
Her request would usually come after training, but Yahiko was away at the Akabeko that day and Kenshin just nodded his head yes as he went about doing as she asked. At least she was still talking to him, even if it was just asking him to do something for her.  
  
Kaoru went to her room to get a clean kimono to put on after her bath. Even if Yahiko wasn't there for her to beat, she still trained. She was still the assistant master and needed to train more herself to become a master of her style.  
  
Entering the bathhouse she stripped her clothes off and observed her body in the mirror she had bought, another one of those odd western things she bought on a whim. Like the clock she had in her room, but the mirror was for everyone to use, though she doubted that any one but herself really used it.  
  
There were bites and bruises here and there, she remembered with a deep blush that he liked to use his teeth. "Stop that Kaoru! It didn't happen, it didn't happen," Kaoru scowled herself in the mirror, giggling softly at the way she looked when she caught her sight in the mirror.  
  
Washing her hair and body before stepping into the warm water to calm her tired muscles, she wrapped her hair in a towel and slipped into the bath. It was nice and warm, just the way she liked it. Kenshin knew exactly how to please her, in more the one way.  
  
"Stop it!" She hissed, wrapping her arms about her body as the rather naughty thoughts entered her head. This was doing her no good, not at all. Every time she thought about Kenshin she started to feel funny, a good kind of funny, but she didn't want to feel it at all! Kenshin didn't love her, so there was no reason to feel anything for him anymore.  
  
But he was drunk last night, some part of her brain yelled. What if the alcohol just made him forget to say it?  
  
Oh, who would forget to tell the woman they love that they love them while finally taking their...their... Kaoru shook her head violently, trying to rid her mind of the image that came into her head. Kenshin and her and what she remembered of the other night. Viciously, she yelled at the part of her that wanted to defend Kenshin and that he really did care for her.  
  
He had ruined her! There was no way someone would want her for a wife now that she was "ruined" goods. A none virgin wife, though it wasn't as if she had suitors lining up at her front door everyday asking for her hand in marriage. No, there was no one who wanted her as a wife. No one would want a sweaty tomboy who couldn't cook and practiced kendo in her family's dojo.  
  
The dojo grounds was worth more then her.  
  
Sighing she sunk lower in the bath, emptying her head of any thoughts as she did so. This was a time for her to relax; she could degrade herself at another time.  
  
"Kaoru-dono, how is the bath?" Kenshin called from outside the window. He was always worrying about her, she shook her head sadly.  
  
Well, if he was always worrying about you why did he sleep with you? Was it her, or was she gaining voices inside her head? Kenshin repeated his question in a louder, more concerned voice when she didn't reply right away.  
  
"Oh, yes, the Kenshin is fine water."  
  
A dark blush spread over her body as she fumbled up her words. What was going on with her? So the man was worried about her, he was always worried about her. The defenseless woman needed protection after all. The words struck home.  
  
Defenseless that's what she was. Every time she was captured by one of Kenshin's enemies she had to be rescued by Kenshin and her other friends. She couldn't defend herself. And she was supposed to be strong enough to defend herself, to make sure her family style and words lived on into the future.  
  
Tears started to fall, mixing with the bath water as they did so. She was crying, she was weak.  
  
"Kaoru-dono?" Kenshin laid his ear against the wooden wall, listening to her breathing, to her soft sobs...she was crying?   
  
"Kaoru-dono? Are you all right?"  
  
The only response he got was more tears as she broke down crying. She let everything fall away, let all her problems and trouble leave her with each drop of water.  
  
The red head, on the other hand, was already at the bath house door, opening it with no warning and closing it just as suddenly. He saw her sobbing in the bathtub, her shoulders shaking with the force, her tears following in a steady river down her face and into the bath water below.  
  
It pained him to see her like this. Where had the independent, strong woman he had grown to love? Walking quickly to her side he grasped her around the waist, not caring for his gi as the sleeves became soaked with water, and hoisted her out of the water and onto the bathroom floor where he promptly covered her with a towel.  
  
Kaoru kept crying as he wrapped her into a tight hug, crushing her body into his own, trying to relieve her of her pain and sorrow. All the while to wondered about why she was acting as she was. He prayed it had nothing to do with the other night. He wanted to make everything surrounding it all right. He needed her to forgive him and accept his love as the real thing...  
  
"Everything will be all right, Kaoru," He whispered softly in her ear, "I will always be there for you..."  
  
His heart was pounding in his chest, his hands were sweating. He was nervous, so very nervous, but he had to be strong. Kenshin needed to get this out into the open; he needed to tell her he cared.  
  
"Because I love you."

* * *

A record of 1,456 words! I'm doing very well in getting the chapters long and all, but not so good on the updating...Oh well, as long as it gets updated right? Right now there are two people standing outside my house and I think they are cousins...but...I don't know...yeah...family, gotta love em. They're picking my sister up and tomorrow we're all going to a wedding. Ah, how joyous are the events when you hardly know five people by their names on your own.  
  
It's a cliffhanger! I like it, don't you? I knew it would be the perfect place to leave you all hanging for more. As for the next chapter, I'll start it as soon as I can. And on a side note, there will be some lime later on, but not full on lemon. I'm not a very good lemon author, so don't expect much in that category except for cheesy fluff. Yeah, I can see my beta reader rolling her eyes. I love you too, MoMo-ChAn, and thank you for proofreading this for me.  
  
And yes, Kaoru is OOC, but she'll get back to her regular self in later chapters, this chapter center's more on her breaking down and not the rise back from the ashes. There's a quote I got that idea from, though I can't remember what the quote was... Think of a phoenix as well.  
  
Carrie the Open Minded: ...mentioning in other fics? Who would want to be, really? I would rather remain anonymous. But I'm a very closed person.  
  
Rokushin: Eh, he'll get inventive as well as desperate as time goes by, though you really can't tell from this chapter.  
  
gaby (hyatt: Interesting name. Thank you for your review and Kaoru will get stronger as time goes by.  
  
Shiomei: So would I, so would I. Too bad I'm the one writing it, so I can't quite do so. But I'll try my best to make it good.  
  
Alea Seikou: Oh man, I think I'm crying... I am very glad that you like the way this fic is turning, with all the "real world" concepts. Back then, and some time after--I don't know when the idea really stopped happening--the first person a woman slept with was her husband, prostitutes were the exception, but they weren't seen in a very good light either.  
  
Thank you for all your support, and I hope this chapter inspires you to want more. 


	4. Liar

Trying to Forget  
By youkokurara  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own it. Everyone knows that, so why do I have to keep saying it?  
  
Chapter 4: Liar

* * *

"No, no..." Kaoru whispered, shock spreading through her body. It can't be true! He was just grateful for having a home, a small family of friends, and he was drunk the other night. "You don't mean it."  
  
Kenshin froze as the words hit home. "What do you mean? Why wouldn't I mean it?" He grasped her by the shoulders, shaking her some as he spoke. He meant the words from the very center of his being. He really loved her, she just didn't understand.  
  
"You were drunk last night, Kenshin. 'Sides, you couldn't possibly love a hideous tomboy such as my self!" She started to wiggle out of his hold, which she found easy as Kenshin let her go, his arms falling down to his sides in pain. Grabbing her things she stormed out of the bathroom, keeping her head high as she did so. He did not need to see the pain that filled her eyes, he couldn't see them, anyway. Kenshin's eyes were closed, trying to block the tears that were coming.  
  
"I really do care, Kaoru..."  
  
Kaoru did not hear him; the slamming of her door as she closed it was all she heard. She glared at the door, threatening it without words to keep anyone else from coming in. It was useless to think such thoughts, but she did so anyway, as it gave her some comfort. Some control over the events in her life.  
  
Kenshin was a liar; he did not care for her at all. All his words meant was that he was trying to atone for the damage he had done the night before. He was trying to fix everything so that nothing would seem out of place. He would marry her over a mistake, just to stay "safe" in the eyes of society, even if he didn't want to. He did not love her.  
  
"I'm probably not good enough, too," she muttered to herself, slipping into her underclothes and then pulling her kimono on. Smoothing out the cloth she took her obi and tied it into a bow. She was beautiful, but not in the way Megumi was or other women were. Plain hair that never wanted to do anything she wanted it to, not pale enough skin, not enough curves. She was no woman; she was a, "little girl. That's all I am even after last night; just a little girl who thought she was a woman. But no longer."  
  
She gathered up her strength. No longer would she be a little tomboy in the eyes of society, she was a woman and would act like one. There was no reason to act like a child anymore, she was no longer a child.  
  
Today on she would be a woman, a proud one with or without a husband, she would keep her family fed and a roof over their heads. Even if the rest of society looked down upon her. She would keep herself strong. "Strong is what you need to be, Kaoru. Not a weak girl, but a strong woman."  
  
It would be a problem, however, if she was pregnant, but she would not know for some time if that was true. Half of her did wish she was going to have Kenshin's child, even if it meant her name would be tarnished according to the rest of society, the other wished that she was not. The child would be scorned by everyone, including Kenshin; well, maybe not so much by the father, but Kenshin would probably leave to save his own hide, even if it wasn't his character to do so.  
  
Sighing, she brushed her hair quickly and tied it back in her regular ponytail and left her room, putting on a strong front as she did so. Kenshin was probably waiting not far from her door, wanting to convince her that what she thought wasn't true and that he really cared for her.  
  
Kenshin wasn't there. Kaoru looked left and right before shrugging and closing her bedroom door. Him not being there was better for her in the long run. This way she didn't have to see him, wouldn't have to hear him try and speak to her. The idiot was rather cute, still, when he was worried.  
  
"You are not supposed to think like that, Kaoru!" She scowled herself with a small shake of her head. Kenshin was an idiot, and she was not going to think that he was cute ever, EVER again. She was going to be strong and she was going to get through this, just like she had gotten through life before when her father had died, before that morning when she meant Kenshin.  
  
Shaking her head once more to rid herself of such thoughts, she walked out into the yard, looking about once more in case the red head was insight before heading for the gate. "I'm going for a walk!" She called out over her shoulder before leaving the grounds, humming a soft tune when she came out onto the street. A walk might clear her thoughts, and would be good for her in the long run. Maybe she could go down to the Akabeko and chat with Tae, or go down to the clinic and see Genzai and his granddaughters; maybe have a few nice words with Megumi.  
  
She cringed at the thought of seeing the fox; she would probably laugh that infamous laugh of hers, and make a fool of Kaoru for the younger girl ever thinking that Kenshin could have real feelings for her.  
  
Just a walk would work rather fine, Kaoru decided. Yes, this was she wouldn't feel like spilling her guts to any of her dear friends. No one needed to know about last night, it would soon simply leave her thoughts and no one would ever find out about it.  
  
Including Kenshin and herself.  
  
It would simply float away into nothingness over time. Into a sweet blissful nothingness and it would no longer haunt her like it had been doing. No one would remember and no one would know.  
  
"What's this we have here, fellas? A little girl walking without someone to watch over her," a mocking voice said, followed by several snickers. She had wandered off aimlessly and walked into the woods not far from the dojo, but far from a lot of people. No one would be able to hear her scream, and she had no weapon to defend herself with.  
  
They were a group of five men, big and ugly, with messy thick beards and stained clothing. She could smell sake and sweat as the wind blew, blowing her hair back slightly. They were disgusting and she did not want to be bothered. "Please leave me alone."  
  
And still she was polite, turning back around she continued to walk, heading back to the road and the dojo. The walk wasn't turning out to be such a good idea.  
  
"We don't think so little missy." one grabbed her arm roughly, there would be a bruise by next morning. "We think you should stay and have a little fun with us."  
  
There were more snickers. And Kaoru felt fear. Leaving home wasn't such a good idea that day, but she couldn't stay in the dojo with Kenshin around. She didn't want to face him, didn't want to see him. She knew that it would hurt her if she had to do that, but Kaoru knew that this would hurt much worse.  
  
Buy time, she thought. Maybe that would help, maybe Kenshin would come and try and find her. Fear settled in her stomach as she watched the men for a semi circle around her. "Maybe a little 'fun' wouldn't be so bad?"  
  
It sounded like a question, and her voice was shaking but the men were drunk and didn't notice. One laughed and grasped her chin roughly and gave her a kiss. Kaoru tried her best not to puke as his fowl tongue forced its way into her mouth. The taste of sake and smoke was on his tongue. Kenshin had sake on his breath, yes, but he tasted unique and warm. Almost sweet.  
  
Another started at the knot of her obi, and managed to tighten it, squeezing the air out of her body in one quick movement. She felt dizzy, and her ribs hurt. The one at her obi was strong, though he didn't show it. Gasping, she tried to fight off the fear that had finally filled her body. She was going to be raped!

Tears filled her eyes, flowing down her face as felt a hand slip in-between the folds of her kimono, touching her thighs as it went upwards...  
  
Kaoru closed her eyes tightly and tried to think of better things, tried to cry out but her voice was muffled by another kiss. At least she had lost her virginity to Kenshin, and not these bastards.  
  
Suddenly, the one at her mouth left her, the one at her back, the hand at her thighs, they were all gone, followed by several thuds that reminded her of bodies hitting the ground, but she didn't open her eyes. She didn't want to see anything, didn't want to hear anything.  
  
She was supposed to be strong but here she was being weak. She hadn't even fought back. Kaoru realized with disgust that she had wanted to be raped, a reason behind why her virginity was gone; no one would have suspected her of having slept with Kenshin.  
  
Two warm arms surrounded her into a tight embrace, holding her close as Kaoru returned the embrace. It was Kenshin, and she knew so without opening her eyes. His smell, his warmth, it was all him and she welcomed it all with open arms and more tears.  
  
"There, there, it's alright, Kaoru. I'm here... just cry."  
  
And she did exactly that.

* * *

AN: Hm... that wasn't really so bad actually. And I know I said she would be strong, but she had a reason for doing what she did at the end there, and she was strong at the beginning of this chapter, ne? This will just have a few more chapters tell it hits the climatic end. And this chapter is nice and long to, 1,639 words... I like it, though I don't know why I am telling you all the amount of words in each chapter. O.o Anyway, thank you oh powerful future ruler of the world, MoMo-ChAn. bowsI can't promise a date as to when I'll update next, it varies, and school is certainly going to be taking up much of time, especially when I really need to start and write my Senior Project paper. It's this project that determines if I will be able to graduate high school or not. It will be LOTS of fun.  
  
To my wonderful and faithful two reviewers:  
  
Carrie: I didn't want to write out your whole name, sorry. Thank you for your support.  
  
Alea Seikou: I really hope you enjoy this chapter and what comes ahead! Your questions helped me with Kaoru's response to this, to thank you very much.  
  
Yep, that's it. Oh well. Thanks you all for your support and keep waiting for the next one. . 


	5. Will You Please?

Trying to Forget

By youkokurara

Okay, thank you Mia-chan for telling me that thing was on…yeah…I was being my usual blond self and forgot that was even there. .;; Those moments have been happening a lot and…well, sorry. This fic now accepts anonymous reviews. Now, on with the fic as I go off and wallow in a small depression over my hair color (though, personally, blond jokes are HILARIOUS). And before I forget, I don't own Rurouni Kenshin.

Chapter 5: Will you please?

* * *

She kept trying to be strong, trying to be the best she could be. Trying to show Kenshin that she was just as strong as he was, and where did all of that leave her? It led to her that situation, to this hold, and these tears. Kaoru couldn't take it anymore! The world was against her and she just couldn't stand it. And the worst part was that marriage to Kenshin was, sadly, the best opportunity that she had offered to her at the moment. 

It sickened her to no end. But, there was one hole in that, Kenshin probably didn't want to marry her as he had never thought to ask. The nerve of the man!

Her anger was starting up, and it was welcomed unlike the weak tears that had started to slow. However, she had to be rational now. This was the perfect time for her to actually try and be so, especially as she wanted to question him…there was hope brewing in her. Kenshin had come after her, looked for her, rescued her as he always did--that did bring some pain to her heart, but it was expected--and was now holding her like he did care. So the question was: did her really care for her?

"Kenshin…" she whispered, not bothering to look up to see if he heard her or not, the hope--and pain--had taken her over. She had to know and the truth would only bring her one thing: more tears. The difference for them was what she was waiting for. "Did you mean it when you said you loved me?"

Kenshin didn't reply, almost didn't hear her speak for that matter, but held her tighter and kissed her forehead softly. His silence was only making that pain that settled in her chest--from anticipation she was sure--worsen and fill her entire being in dread. Why wasn't he answering? Was he rethinking his own feelings for her or something?

Finally he spoke, his voice soothing to her troubled senses, but it was not an answer to her question. "Come, lets go home Kaoru…this is no place for your question."

He released her, but quickly took her hand and pulled her just as gently along out of the woods and back to the dojo. Kaoru could feel fresh tears. He was rethinking his decision, wasn't he? Why else wouldn't he not want to tell her? "No! Kenshin, you tell me now or you don't tell me at all!"

Ah, the comforting anger had returned with vengeance and strength. It was now or never, she thought, looking at Kenshin, who had not turned around to face her. You have only this chance…and I hope you take it.

She had no more time for thoughts as he roughly pulled her closer to him and turned with his god like speed. Moving so fast that Kaoru barely had time to register what was going on when he roughly kissed her using her gasp as an excuse to move his tongue into her open mouth. They parted after sometime, Kaoru didn't know how long they kissed; she could only feel the burn in her lungs as she gasped softly for air. That and this rather nice pleasant feeling that settled over her mind, like she had been drugged.

"How could you doubt my feelings, Kaoru?" He questioned, looking her in the eyes, his own hard and truthful, with what appeared as amber flecks showing up here and there in the amethyst. She did not think about it, this was Kenshin she was speaking to and he would never hurt her…and she was just being an idiot in the long run. He was right, how could she doubt his feelings for her? Wait, he never mentioned how he felt about her!

"You never told me…you always seemed so detached from me…" And you were drunk, she added in her mind, trying in vain to look him in the eye as she spoke but failed.

Kenshin sighed and took her chin into his hand as gentle as the irritation filling him would allow. Yes, he never did tell her, and he had his reasons, his fears for not being able to do so. Something he would have to get off his chest and soon. The sake had merely been a way to get past his "shyness" and he had just taken her without her consent--something he had not questioned at the time, knowing very well how the kendo instructor felt for him. And in doing so, had forgotten complete to tell her anything about his feelings in the process. A mistake he was paying for now, and one he was going to fix.

"I do love you. I have for a long time now, and last night is not something I regret. My only mistake, however, was when I did not tell you how I felt. The sake…it had forced all rational thought from my mind, only leaving me with my love for you, my need to have you forever by my side. And now I am paying for that mistake, Kaoru, but I hope you have forgiven me, accepted me for what I really feel." There, he said it, so why did it hurt him to do so? She had tried to forget the night before, and had called him a liar when he told her that he loved her earlier on. Then she was went for that walk, and he followed her with the thought of protecting her from everything and everyone that dared look at her wrong. He had started to feel possessive, but he could not stop himself from feeling so, everything about her made him feel complete. Something he had never felt before.

Kaoru made no reply, letting his words sink in, trying to find anything--just anything in his words or voice that would make him a liar. A complete hypocrite in every which way, but she found nothing in his voice or words that would betray him. She couldn't find a thing! This whole time he had been telling the truth and she had not believed him. What…what kind of a person was she?

"I'm sorry…this…this whole time you were telling the truth and I let my pride get in the way and didn't believe you. I mean, how was I supposed to? You were drunk that entire night and I suppose it's also my fault as I let my feelings for you, so I didn't stop you…at the time I didn't think about anything. Anything at all except that you were there and for a moment I felt as if you…you really cared for me…" Kaoru felt tears start to bubble up followed by a few sobs, ones she quickly swallowed.

"And when it was all over and done with, I didn't know what to do…I left you there, believing that it meant nothing to you and telling myself, 'This is nothing to him, nothing to me. Just forget everything that happened, Kaoru. Try to forget.' You know what, you ruined that entire plan when you came into my room that night, and the next day. I couldn't really stand it, you know? Nothing was going as planned and it was all your fault. So when you told me you loved me, I called you a liar. I didn't know whether to believe you or not, and the part of me that believed you were lying broke through and I said what I said."

Kaoru swallowed again, she had to get everything out before she broke. "When I came out here and those men came up to me I was thinking that it just might work in my favor, that everything would not be questioned if I was…no one would have thought that it was your doing…"

The truth of the matter was that she would never be strong enough to the world, she was always surrounded by Kenshin, Yahiko, Sanosuke; they were the strong ones. She was weak, and would always be that way. Wasn't it true that when Kenshin left for Kyoto that she broke down into a lifeless doll until Megumi and Yahiko snapped her out of it? How could she ever imagine that she was strong when in reality she was the weakest person in the world? She could not even defend the honor of her dojo by herself, no; Kenshin was the one who defended it for when Gohei was going around killing innocent people as a part of his revenge against the Kamiya Dojo.

And Kenshin was silent.

* * *

Okay, I know that was really short but please forgive me! I was trying to get something out and all…well, yeah. . I might have gotten a bit wrong with Megumi and Yahiko snapping Kaoru out that depression she went through when Kenshin first left for Kyoto, I can't really remember a lot about that. . Truth be told, I have a hideous memory and wouldn't remember your name if we ever met. I would be asking for it every few minutes before it stayed and then the next day and I would be asking you again. . That actually happened once with one of my friends, but I know her name now. 

As a warning, I don't know when the next chapter of this will be out. I know its winter vacation and all so I should have time to do so, but in reality I have no inspiration to write. However, I'll try and get you a new chapter before summer vacation .

And now for something completely different. snicker

Thank you Mia-chan for telling me about the signed review thing…

Alea Seikou: Personally, I go for the whole "woman with a y (womyn)" thing, so writing this is kinda hard, but I am making it. However, I enjoy someone's comments that I agree with. Kaoru is going through a hard time and I agree, Kenshin should be more aggressive.

Carrie: I hope this answered your question.

Prince Aoshi: Thank you for your review

Jupiter's Light: Thank you as well.

Triste1: Okay, this time I went through the real trouble of proofreading. I'm going to send it to my beta, when she sends it back; I'll butcher it a little and then send it right back for more correcting. . But thank you for the advice and I hope you enjoyed this chapter.

Liyan: OOC? Yeah, it is a little OOC but I agree, it does work with the story, and it's probably the only way it would work.

And last but not least, I thank MoMo-ChAn for being my wonderful beta and for reading this over again twice on her four-week winter vacation.


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